Your stupid bloody questions


I have a brilliant invention. Can you help me copywrite it?
I have an invention too – it’s called the dictionary. Look up the word copywriting.

So, what is copywriting?

Why do I need a copywriter?
Because most people are rubbish at writing. And ‘grammar gurus’ tend to be the worst. They’ll probably just have read this and said, “but you can’t start a sentence with a conjunction” – failing to see the irony that they just did.

Are you any good?
Ask this lot. And I’m also Freelancer of the Year 2017/18 – so yeah, not bad.

Can I set you a brief to test your skill?
Yes. Of course. Obviously you’re paying me for the test, right? Hello… oh… you’ve gone.

What do you charge?
I can either do an hourly rate, a day rate or a project cost.

Can I ask for a discount?
Yes. You can ask.

Do you charge by the word?
No. Copywriting is about quality not quantity. If you’d like lots of words, speak to a blogger.

Do you write blogs?
No. Bloggers write blogs. We’re as different as plumbers and electricians. If someone says they’re a copywriter/blogger, they’re probably just a blogger.

As well as actual writing, what else do you do?
Great question, thanks for asking. I can come up with ad campaigns, create brand propositions, write tone of voice guidelines, challenge briefs, solve creative problems and join the dots when something’s missing.

Do you just work for big advertising and brand agencies?
No. I work for little agencies too – and have a few of my own private clients.

Do you work in house or remotely?
Both. It depends where you are and what you need doing.

Can you guarantee the accuracy of your work?
Not even a tiny little bit. But I can recommend a very good proofreader if you want.

How do I book you?
Get in touch and ask. If I’m free, I’m yours.

Can I follow you on Twitter?
Yes. But don’t expect much.

What about LinkedIn?
Expect even less.

What’s your last name?
Last names are for tombstones, baby.