Your stupid bloody questions

I have a brilliant invention. Can you help me copywrite it?
I have an invention too – it’s called the dictionary. Look up the word copywriting.

Why do I need a copywriter?
Because anyone can write but most people are rubbish at it. And self-appointed ‘grammar gurus’ tend to be the worst. They’ll probably just have read this and said, “but you can’t start a sentence with a conjunction” – failing to see the irony that they just did.

Are you any good?
Ask this lot. And I won Freelancer of the Year 2017/18 – so yeah, not bad.

Can I set you a mini brief to test your skill?
You can if you like, but it’s a bit pointless. And you’d still have to pay me even if you thought it was rubbish.

What do you charge?
I can either do an hourly rate, a day rate or a fixed project cost – but don’t be surprised if I’m a bit more expensive than someone your mate knows who’s written a few blogs for the local hairdresser.

Do you charge by the word?
It doesn’t really work like that. Words don’t all have equal value. The right six words are worth far more than 600 wrong ones.

Do you write blogs?
No. Bloggers write blogs. We’re as different as plumbers and electricians. If someone says they’re a copywriter and a blogger, they’re almost certainly just a blogger.

Can I ask for a discount?
Sure. You can ask…

As well as actual writing, what else do you do?
Great question, thanks for asking. I can come up with ad campaigns, brand propositions, tone of voice guidelines, win pitches, solve creative problems and join the dots when something’s missing. I get a lot of weird jobs when people don’t know who else to ask. Take a look.

Do you just work for big advertising and brand agencies?
No. I work for little agencies too – and have a few of my own private clients.

Do you work in house or remotely?
Both. It depends where you are and what you need doing.

Can you guarantee the accuracy of your work?
Not even a tiny little bit. But I can recommend a very good proofreader if you want.

How do I book you?
Get in touch and ask. If I’m free, I’m yours.

Can I follow you on Twitter?
Yes. But don’t expect much.

What about LinkedIn?
Expect even less.

What’s your last name?
Last names are for tombstones, baby.